Scattermom

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Princess Life by Ashley Boyden — November 30, 2021

Princess Life by Ashley Boyden

It’s Christmas time and that means going through the garage looking inside of EVERY box, swearing this year you are going to label all of them for the next time because god damn is it hot in the garage and sooo many daddy long legs, when you come across a large folder of writing assignments from the 4th grade. You know the ones, you walk into the classroom and there is a prompt on the board, the teacher hands you a piece of construction paper and tells you to draw a ven diagram or umbrella map thing to plan out your writing, then you get 30 minutes to write.


Once upon a time there lived a princess. She lived in a big castle. Her name was Ashley. She had long blonde hair, Hazle eyes, and red lips. She lived with her dad King Steve. Ashley lived with her mom Qween Karen. She had a shoping mall with lots of jewrley. She had princess cut diamonds And 14 carrot gold post. She had a big brother named Joe he liked a store in the mall named JW. They have the uglest clothes. I have a brother named David. he liked toys, R, US. he has millions of toys. King Steve said they should shout down the mall. I went to my room and complaind about what my dad said. But he said he was just jocking. He began to laugh verey hard. I just slapped him. Well lets get more into my life. I just got a crown it was 14ct with lots of dimons. It shines like the sun. I have a big screen TV I like to watch ER. My favorite movie is Sabrina goes to Rome. I got to meet the spice girls and Backstreet Boys. The spice girls names are Emma, Mel B., Mel C., Victoria, geri. The Backstreet Boys names are AJ, Kevin, Brian, Howie.

– Ashley Boyden (1998)

For funsies…let’s dissect this.

She had long blonde hair, Hazle eyes, and red lips.

I am pretty certain that I have never had hazel eyes. I am not even sure how I knew what hazel eyes were in the 4th grade.

She had a shoping mall with lots of jewrley. She had princess cut diamonds And 14 carrot gold post.

My mom clearly taught me the essentials of jewelry shopping. This 9 year old knows exactly what she wants.

She had a big brother named Joe he liked a store in the mall named JW. They have the uglest clothes. I have a brother named David. he liked toys, R, US. he has millions of toys.

I seemed really offended by this JW store and I have zero recollection of it.

King Steve said they should shout down the mall. I went to my room and complaind about what my dad said. But he said he was just jocking. He began to laugh verey hard.

Ooookaaayyy, King Steve. Do I have daddy issues?

I just slapped him. Well lets get more into my life. I just got a crown it was 14ct with lots of dimons. It shines like the sun

I’m a BOSS ASS BITCH!!!!!

I have a big screen TV I like to watch ER. My favorite movie is Sabrina goes to Rome. I got to meet the spice girls and Backstreet Boys. The spice girls names are Emma, Mel B., Mel C., Victoria, geri. The Backstreet Boys names are AJ, Kevin, Brian, Howie.

Umm…I never watched ER and I do not recall Sabrina in Rome. Seriously though, how did I go undiagnosed with ADHD until I was 30?!?!

Rating: 1 out of 5.
My People. My Day. My Life. — November 12, 2020

My People. My Day. My Life.

Hi all! This is my first post of many. Please see my “About” section to get an idea of what to expect…it’s going to be a bumpy ride filled with laughter, and a lot of run on sentences.

How does a typical day go you ask? Well, strap in! It’s quite fun!

[Setting: my warm comfy bed that I wasn’t able to fall/stay asleep in all night, but yet now my body decided its time to sleep}

I pull myself out of bed in the morning to get the kids. Even though the last thing in this world I want to do is start this day long routine over again. Im already tired and overwhelmed just laying there thinking about it. But, I am mom, so I pull myself up and dredge through the first part of my day.

  • Get the kids x2
  • Diaper change x2
  • Make Leo a bottle
  • Pour Lily some milk and grab her breakfast
  • Say good morning at work
  • Take my meds and grab some caffeine
  • Check emails
  • Stare at all the red “Past due” items on my Trello board
  • Feed Leo breakfast
  • Eat my own breakfast while still trying to get above water at work (I am also being screamed at by two clingy toddlers at this point)
  • Go to the snack closet about a million times because Lily wants to “Eat, eat”
  • By now, one if not both children have pooped
  • Change Diapers x2
  • How is it already time for Lunch?
  • Make Lily a lunch she will refuse to eat
  • Feed Leo lunch
  • Then its NAP TIME!!!

Not for me of course, but it’s usually the first time I can breath during the day. Now I have a few options…I can catch up on all my work and maybe relax a little, OR I can clean the disaster of a house that I swear I JUST cleaned the day before. Then, they wake up. So I…

  • Get Lily a snack
  • Get Leo a snack
  • Make a bottle for Leo
  • Change diapers x2 (If I am really lucky they have pooped again)
  • This is the part of the day Lily is in a bad mood (apparently naps turn her into an emotional tornado. Cant wait for Leo to get to this point)
  • I don’t even want to talk about if it’s bath day (reference a p90X workout)
  • Make Lily a dinner…she will refuse to eat
  • Feed Leo dinner
  • Pajamas x2
  • It’s 6:40pm it’s time to put Leo to bed
  • By now Lily is asking for the 100th time, since after the dinner she didn’t eat, that she wants “COOKies”
  • Then, it’s over, we put Lily to bed

Are you tired reading that? I am tired reading that.

Now my day is “over” so what do I do? I sit on the couch with my husband, mindlessly watching TV or scrolling my phone and giving myself a hard time over all the things I didn’t get done that day. Laying down the mom guilt really hard. You know…the norm.

I know it may sound like I am complaining (maybe I am a little) but I ADORE my children. Being a wife and mom is the best thing I have ever done with my life. Even at my most overwhelmed I just sit and think about how lucky I am. How I have two amazing children who are sweet, kind, and strong willed. How I can see the best of myself in them and how in return they all look at me and see the best in me. They do that. My kids and my husband. They make me feel like I am enough. They don’t look at me like a lazy, unmotivated, wreck of a person that many people before them have. They see ME. They see that no matter how overwhelmed I may get I will fight as hard as I can to show positivity, love, and fun. I would do ANYTHING for my family.

**Reading through this I realized it makes it sound like my husband does nothing, which couldn’t be further from the truth. Notice I mentioned nothing about dishes, bottles being washed, litter box cleaned, trash taken out, errands run, and most importantly waking up early with the baby. My husband is a Rockstar. He is the best partner I could ever ask for. He is a saint. On top of everything else he has been an advocate for my mental health (and sadly has been taken the brunt of much of my anxiety). I could never thank god, or whatever higher power enough for him.