You ever just have one of those weeks. One of those weeks where all of a sudden everyone forgot about bathroom etiquette (and that bar is set really low considering half of this household uses a diaper). I feel like everyday we woke up this week, the nightmare got worse. These children found new and inventive ways to really test our it’s-all-over-the-place-how-are-we-going-to-clean-this disaster protocol. For the sake of organization, below, I will tell each child’s story but please keep in mind these happened at the SAME TIME!

Leo

Let’s just start here…there is really no good way to start this. Leo has now learned a trick his sister is all too familiar with, removing his diaper. We found this out the hard way one lazy Sunday morning.

The routine goes…baby wakes up around 5/6am, we get him and bring him to the pack and play in the living room. Said baby then has his morning bottle and continues to laugh and scream at the top of his lungs, so as to wake up not only the house, but the neighborhood. Except for dad and I, we are able to lay down on the couch in the living room and sleep right through it.

Anyways, I wake up from my “morning nap”. My husband has already been awake, picking up the house, the usual. I spell poop in the air…the usual. So I pop my head up to say “hi” to the cute, adorable, baby Leo in his pack and play, and what do I find? A baby, with no diaper. He just…took….the diaper off. (It gets worse, just wait). So I pray to whatever god/deity/celebrity that would listen, and I prayed that he hadn’t peed….HOW NAIVE. You will be happy to know he didn’t pee, but he did however manage to smear the poop that was in his diaper alllllll over himself (it brought a new meaning to the phrase “shit eating grin”), the pack and play, his poor stuffed hippo. RIP stuffed Hippo, we loved you.

I stood there in shock. No one has ever taught me what to do in this situation. I am 2.5 years deep into motherhood and this has never happened to me. So naturally, I yelled for Nick, thinking maybe he had some ideas (or maybe he would just make it disappear?). We did the only thing we could think of, and that was to put him the bathtub…that was the wrong idea. I instantly realized that now he was bathing in a tub of warm water, and doo-doo. So at wits end, I ask Nick again, “what do I do?” His solution? Me getting into the shower, while holding the poop covered baby, and clean him that way. I never thought that I could one day say I had poop water rolling down my body. I had never felt so dirty. (I plan on never letting him live this down).

Lily

Okay, maybe hers isn’t as bad, it was just pee but it’s more the circumstance. If you have gotten to this point you already know what is currently going on. I step out of the shower with a clean baby, and no more dignity. I get him dressed and think, alright, let’s get this Sunday back on track. Remember earlier, when I told you this was all thank you to a trick sister taught him? Oh yes! The story is going there.

The night before she had peed her bed so I had to remove the sheets and mattress cover and saw that I had no more clean mattress covers. I knew in my gut that it was a bad idea to just raw dog it and put sheets straight on the mattress. I knew better. But did that stop me? Of course not!

Anyways, back to that infamous Sunday morning. I go into her room to get her and see it. Lily, laying there in bed, no pants, no diaper…in a puddle of pee. How much does one person deserve really? Then it instantly hits me. THERE IS NO MATTRESS COVER!!!!!! Folks, there is no user manual for these children. What do I do now? Her mattress is soaked. Do we burn it and buy a new one? Hose it down? Air dry it? Cry?

Moral of the story

Shit happens. Kids are gross. But not having all the answers and not knowing what to do doesn’t make you a bad mom/dad. I never thought that I would love two people so much, that I would spend a Sunday morning, cleaning up their poop/pee, and still be able to look at them like they are the most perfect creatures on this earth. I just now have a REALLY funny story to tell at both of their weddings one day ❤